When someone we care about experiences loss, we often find ourselves at a crossroads between wanting to help and feeling completely inadequate. Grief is one of life’s most profound experiences, and witnessing a loved one navigate this difficult journey can leave us searching for the right words. The truth is, there’s no perfect formula for what to say to someone who is grieving—but there are thoughtful approaches that can provide comfort and harmful phrases that can inadvertently cause additional pain.
Understanding that grief is deeply personal and manifests differently for everyone is the first step toward offering meaningful support. What brings comfort to one person might feel hollow to another, but there are universal principles that can guide us toward more compassionate communication.
This simple statement acknowledges the person’s loss without trying to minimize their pain or offer solutions. It shows that you’re holding space for their grief and that they’re not forgotten in their suffering. The beauty of this phrase lies in its simplicity—it doesn’t demand a response or put pressure on the grieving person to engage beyond their capacity. It’s a gentle reminder that they have people who care about them, even when they might feel isolated in their grief.
Instead of saying “Let me know if you need anything,” which places the burden on the grieving person to identify and ask for help, offer specific assistance. Say things like “Would you like me to bring dinner on Tuesday?” or “Can I pick up groceries for you this week?” or “Would it help if I walked your dog tomorrow?” Grief often leaves people feeling overwhelmed by basic tasks, and having to think about what they need and then ask for help can feel insurmountable. Specific offers remove that burden and show that you’ve actually considered their practical needs.
Grieving people often worry that others will forget their loved one or feel uncomfortable hearing about them. Inviting someone to share memories shows that you understand their need to keep their loved one’s memory alive. This invitation can be incredibly healing, as it validates that the person who died was important and that their life had meaning. However, be prepared to listen without trying to fix or minimize their feelings, and don’t be discouraged if they’re not ready to share immediately.
Grief doesn’t follow a timeline or a prescribed set of stages, despite what popular culture might suggest. Some people need to talk constantly about their loss, others retreat into silence. Some return to normal activities quickly, others need extended time away from their routines. This statement gives the grieving person permission to grieve in their own way without judgment. It acknowledges that you understand grief is not a problem to be solved but a process to be experienced.
Sometimes the most powerful thing you can say is the simplest. When someone is consumed by loss, they might struggle to remember their own worth or feel disconnected from the world around them. A genuine expression of love or care can serve as an anchor, reminding them that they matter and that they’re not alone. This doesn’t fix their pain, but it reinforces their support system and reminds them that they are valued beyond their relationship with the person they’ve lost.
While these phrases might be intended to provide comfort or meaning, they often feel dismissive and can actually increase the griever’s pain. Suggesting that there’s a predetermined reason for someone’s death can make the grieving person feel angry or guilty for questioning why their loved one had to die. Even if you hold these beliefs personally, imposing this framework on someone else’s loss can feel invalidating. Grief often involves questioning meaning and purpose, and these platitudes can shut down that natural process rather than supporting it.
Even if you’ve experienced a similar loss, every relationship is unique, and every person’s grief journey is different. Saying you know exactly how someone feels can inadvertently minimize their experience or make them feel like their grief isn’t being seen for what it uniquely is to them. Instead of claiming to understand their experience, focus on acknowledging their pain and showing that you care. You might say something like “I can’t imagine how difficult this must be for you” or share your own experience without making it the focus: “When I lost my mother, I found it helpful to… but I know everyone grieves differently.”
These “at least” statements, while often well-intentioned, can feel like attempts to find a silver lining in an unbearable situation. When someone is in the acute pain of loss, they’re not ready to look for positives—they need their pain to be acknowledged and validated. Even when these statements contain truth (perhaps the person was indeed suffering from a long illness), the grieving person may not be emotionally ready to find comfort in this perspective. These phrases can make them feel guilty for not being grateful for the “positive” aspects of their loss, adding shame to their already overwhelming emotions.
These statements place expectations and timelines on grief that can be incredibly harmful. Telling someone to be strong suggests that showing emotion or vulnerability is weakness, which can lead to suppressed grief and delayed healing. Similarly, telling someone that their deceased loved one “wouldn’t want them to be sad” puts the griever in an impossible position—they’re being asked to deny their natural emotional response out of loyalty to the person they’ve lost. Grief is not a sign of weakness, and there’s no timeline for when someone should “move on.” These statements often reflect the speaker’s discomfort with grief more than genuine concern for the griever.
While this phrase isn’t inherently harmful, it’s often ineffective and can feel empty if it’s not backed up by genuine availability or specific offers. Many people say this as a way to feel like they’ve offered support without actually committing to providing it. The grieving person is unlikely to call and ask for help—they may not even know what they need, or they may feel like they’re burdening others. If you’re going to offer general help, make sure you mean it and be prepared to check in regularly. Better yet, replace this with specific offers or simply show up with concrete support.
Perhaps the most important thing to remember when supporting someone who is grieving is that your presence often matters more than your words. Grief can be incredibly isolating, and simply showing up—whether that means sitting quietly together, helping with practical tasks, or being available for a phone call—can be more valuable than finding the perfect thing to say.
Sometimes the best support involves saying very little at all. Holding space for someone’s grief means being comfortable with their pain without trying to fix it, minimize it, or rush them through it. It means understanding that grief comes in waves and that someone might need different kinds of support at different times.
Supporting someone through grief is not about having all the answers or saying the perfect thing every time. It’s about showing up with genuine care, respect for their process, and willingness to be present in their pain. The goal isn’t to make their grief go away—it’s to ensure they don’t have to navigate it alone.
Remember that grief doesn’t end after the funeral or even after the first year. Birthdays, anniversaries, holidays, and unexpected moments can trigger fresh waves of grief. Long-term support often means checking in months or even years later, continuing to mention their loved one’s name, and understanding that healing doesn’t mean forgetting.
By choosing our words thoughtfully and leading with compassion rather than our own discomfort, we can provide meaningful support to those we care about during some of their darkest moments. In doing so, we honor both the person who is grieving and the memory of the person they’ve lost.